Magical Moments of Make Believe

My daughter is 3 and 1/2 and full of intense energy. She wakes up jabbering about what she will do during the day, asking me what I am doing, looking around for anything that has changed in the house while she slept. Yesterday, I had shifted a chair into a slightly different spot so I could do Yoga. The moment she woke up, she tilted her head and asked "Hey! Why is that chair there?" She notices everything! This also means that she remembers everything I say, and holds me to it. I have to be ultra careful with what I suggest or promise, because to her, it's set in stone and WILL definitely happen, post haste! I have grown to love this as it forces me to say what I mean, and act on what I have promised. Her full name means "truth", and we have discovered how appropriate this is to her discerning, inquisitive and detailed-oriented personality.

We have decided to help her funnel her intensity into creative play as much as we can. In many ways, she develops her own play and it naturally overflows from the changes in her age-appropriate development, ideas from friends, and the expansion of her fertile mind. But I make a point to carve out specific time each morning for adventurous, creative play.

From the beginning, my husband and I decided to have no more toys than would fit into a medium-sized Tupperware Tote. We have gone beyond that somewhat with larger items like Alley's small, wooden highchair for her doll, a rocking horse, and one of those bead maze things with loopy pieces that you slide the bead over. And beyond the toy box, we have a Costume box and a Puppet box.

I find the greatest costumes at the MCC thrift store in our town and Value Village in an adjoining town. So far, we have a monkey, lion, tiger, ladybug, princess, caterpiller, angel, fairy, hawaiian hoola girl (grass skirt and funky floral dress) , doctor bag, and various little scarves and purses and high-heeled shoes. I have so much fun watching her merge into character, and I play along. She often wants me to call her "dentist", or "ballerina", "doctor" for an hour or so as she glides around the house and listens to my elbow or stomach with the stethoscope. Actually, after a recent trip to the doctor, she now listens in all the right places.

We've gotten into the habit of going to the library once a week to pick out new books together. This week, I picked out one called Wishes for You by Tobi Tobias. It is a heartwarming reflection of a parent's hopes for her child. And beyond a deep yearning that my children know and love God above anyone and anything, these reflections hae become almost a prayer for me:

*I hope you will have moments when you're so happy, you'll feel the sun is shining from inside you.

*I hope you will have the strength and spirit to deal with bad things when they come your way.

*I hope you will be lucky.

*I hope you will always be curious.

*I hope you will never forget how to be silly.

* I hope you and I will have adventures together--just the two of us.

* I hope you will love to read.

* I hope you will learn to make things with your own hands.

* I hope you will want to make your body strong and quick and beautiful--and enjoy the way that feels.

*I hope you will love one special person more than anyone of anything in the whole world.

* I hope that, one day when you're grown up, you will have a child--different from you, but just as wonderful.

* I hope you will love being alone sometimes.

*I hope you will know what you think and feel and not let other people tell you.

* I hope you will be able to tell your favorite people the secrets of your heart.

* I hope you will always be part of a family.

* I hope you will always remember me and know how much I love you.


Sometimes after the kids are in bed, I tiptoe into their room and say over them the things I hope they will have and will experience in their lives. Remembering specific hopes like the ones above, gives me strength for each day I have as guardian of these precious large-souled children.

(photo: www.flickr.com)

Feeling Hopeful

Sometimes I receive forwards and links that bring a surprising amount of joy into my life. When I first clicked into a YouTube video link called "Free Hugs", I wasn't sure what I would find. But suddenly, I found my heart expanding with a sense of goodness and hope as I watched barriers between strangers soften and dissolve. I had the same poignant feeling about a year ago when I bought (for my daughter) the DVD set of the first season of Little House on the Prairie. I hadn't watched it in years and we promptly sat down and watched 4 episodes in a row.

Observing the purity and love of the Ingalls family, their close-to-Earth lifestyle, and fierce familial loyalty literally warmed me from the inside out.

Another link I recently discovered through my friend Meghan is for the upcoming film Pregnant in America. There's an interiew with Ina May Gaskin (author of Spiritual Midwifery)and it looks like it will be an intriguing inside look into the over-mechanized, hospital-based, birthing "industry". It focuses particularly on the US medical field, but relates to some of what is also happening in Canada.

I feel hopeful when I glimpse efforts toward reclaiming humanity to live as we were created to live.

(photos: www.flickr.com)

Lenten Beginning

Ash-Wednesday
by T S Eliot

I).
Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know again
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow,
for there is nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessed face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.
******************************************************

And this morning, while I was cleaning off my desk, I came across a quote I had cut out a few months ago. It was a gentle reminder to me today, of what Lent is about.


"We must not think that our love has to be extraordinary. But we do need to love without getting tired. How does a lamp burn? Through the continuous input of small drops of oil. These drops are the small things of daily life: faithfulness, small words of kindness, a thought for others, our way of being quiet, of looking, of speaking, and of acting. They are the true drops of love that keep our lives and relationships burning like a lively flame."

---Mother Teresa

(photo: flickr:papabear1949)

Our Cherished Ones

This is one of my favorite shots of Soul-Baby and Alley-oop. It was taken on the back porch of my parent's desert home in Tucson, Arizona.

I love how they are heartwarmingly loving and affectionate with one another. I told my husband this morning, that sweet Alley reminds me of a sheep dog. She is always concerned with Soul-Baby's needs and she circles round him, protecting and moving him along, connecting him to what we are doing. Whenever I offer her a snack or to read her a book, she looks up with wide eyes and asks "What about Soulie, Mama? Can he have one too, can he come with us?" And Soul-Baby loves his big sister and watches her every move. I've nearly dropped him because of the force with which he whirls his head around to follow his sister as she dances or skips from room to room.

The other day as we were eating lunch, Alley looked up and asked, "How long can we keep Soulie, mama?" My eyes immediately stung with tears as I explained that he is a FOREVER gift to us, that he is a part of our family FOREVER. I was amazed by how fiercely I wanted to say the word FOREVER again and again. I was overwhelmed with love for this little angel in our life, who asks the questions that remind me of my essence, my priorities, my desire to live out FOREVER vows with my husband and my family.

Our New Addition

In an earlier post, I wrote about our car situation, how we've driven our 1985 volvo station wagon into the ground. It has been a long year of waiting and searching and saving up money to buy a car that would be safe and reliable but would also fit our outdoor-loving and large-family aspiring selves.

This is a fantastic automobile! It's a Toyota Landcruiser PRADO. It's diesel, 4-wheel drive, has adjustable shocks/under clearance for rocky terrain, fog lights, a roof rack with clamps to hold skis and big enough to carry Diesel tanks for long off-roading trips. And the clincher for us: it seats 8! Although we are a family of 4 right now, we would love to add to this number in the future. And we are excited that this can accomodate that desire. ALSO, we can carpool with friends and family more easily. I find it funny when I want to head to the beach with a friend and we end up driving the trek in our separate cars. Now we can fit, kids and all.

As far as I know, PRADOs are not available in the states. They are made and sold in Japan and Canadians have found a way to import and resell them in Canada. This makes for some interesting aspects. All imports are "right-hand drive" and the instructions on the mirror, glovebox and control panel are in Japanese. It trips other drivers out to see the steering wheel on the opposite side and we get a lot of "double takes." But I love the right-hand drive! I can sense that I am more conscientious with my driving, because it feels so different. The new perspective heightens my awareness.

A great website to check out is www.japanoid.com . It's full of pictures of funky-looking Japanese imports that are now available in Canada.

Come visit us and we'll take you for a ride--

Growth Toward Green

For a few months now, I have considered "compacting" along with a growing number of families who desire a simple, "calm-pact" life. The Compact has several aims more or less prioritized below:

"To go beyond recycling in trying to counteract the negative global environmental and socioeconomic impacts of disposable consumer culture and to support local businesses, farms, etc. -- a step that, we hope, inherits the revolutionary impulse of the Mayflower Compact.

To reduce clutter and waste in our homes (as in trash Compact-or).

To simplify our lives (as in Calm-pact)."

There are many ways to do this and I thought I would list a few of the things I am doing and would like to WORK on doing more consistently.

***I use cloth diapers & cloth wipes. I (in the summer/spring) hang them outdoors to dry. During the winter, I try to hang them indoors near the wood stove on a drying rack.

***I use cloth or reusable bags when I grocery shop.

***We heat our home with a wood stove instead of electric heat. When we need to use electric heat, we turn down the thermostats at night.

***I sometimes (would like to more often) cook and boil water on our wood-burning stove.

***I often bring a coffee thermos or mug when I go out for coffee or try to avoid a "to-go" cup by relaxing and enjoying my brew in a cafe mug.

*** I buy many things bulk and store them in large glass jars at home: peanut butter, oats, flour, rice, nuts, honey, syrup, baking supplies, dried fruit, beans, pasta...

*** I buy very little *new*. I have a running list of "needs" and some "wants" in my purse and I peruse local thrift shops and consignment stores once a week. Besides food, I find MOST
everything in great condition at used-stores for a fraction of the cost and waste. And I have a
blast! It's a treasure hunt everytime. I have learned it is easy to still over-buy in thrift stores,
so I set a limit on the amount I budget.

*** My husband and I read (and own) a fantastic book called Clean House, Clean Planet:Clean your House for Pennies a Day, the safe, non-toxic way. by Karen Logan. We are in the process of changing all of our cleaners to homemade, non-toxic combinations. The book is full of simple recipes for great-smelling products that clean just as well, if not better.

*** We have grown a decent-sized garden for the past 3 years. We would like to do it entirely organic but in the past have done about 80% organic.

*** I'd like to get a baby seat for my bike and bike around town more often.

*** I try to buy organic or at least locally grown. We are at about 80% organic. There is a great link to "the dirty dozen" that I found through a blog I enjoy. Reading this list has encouraged me to *always* buy organic for certain things.

This is a major focus in my life right now. I will revisit this topic often. In the meantime, I will share what I am learning and would love comments about tips and topics along these lines. Feel free to comment, in fact, please do!

(photo: www.flickr.com)

Discipline

My husband and I have worked into our family routine a monthly day of solitude for one another. The first Saturday of the month, I enjoy a mother's sabbath during which I spend the day alone, doing whatever will bring me rest and refreshment for the weeks ahead. And on the third Saturday of the month, my husband is free to do the same with a father's sabbath. This month for his day, he spent 8 hours at an urban retreat center. And for my day, I enjoyed journaling and sipping a frothy latte at a local coffee shop for the morning, a drive across the valley singing to Tori Amos at the top of my lungs and a leisurely peruse of my favorite thrift shops for the afternoon. We both returned home from our solitude with renewed vigour. The parent at home likewise enjoyed a special unstructured day with the kids.

While I was at the coffee shop, I settled in beside a wall hanging of the Desiderata, meaning "things to be desired (Latin)". One of my favorite lines in this reflection is: "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. " On many levels, this sums up my present focus. There are many areas of our life where we are stiving for wholesome (self) discipline and in the midst of the striving, we want to be gentle, to hold the changes with nurturing hands, knowing that small choices toward change will require larger choices toward change down the road.

In mid- January, my husband transitioned from a stressful, and largely unfulfilling 9-5 job to start a business from home. We have spent the last month working together to establish new patterns for our days together. He has an office downstairs he does most of his work from. And he takes 3 breaks a day, lingering to wrestle with the kids in the few minutes between.

With him at home, I feel more "at work" at home and find I am more efficient with my time. His need for consistent breaks (and FOOD) creates a rhythm for my day. And since we share a car, and he no longer needs it to commute, I have a more organized week of small errands rather than the previous "one-day-a-week-BLITZ" we were used to.

Besides the daily chores that keeps our household running, I have tried to work in one "deep organization" task each day. Today I re-organized the tupperware drawer and threw out a few kid's books that are ripped up or unexciting. Each time I do the laundry, I reorganize the clothes that the kids have grown out of and I either put them in my "give" box or fold them away into the appropriate bin of sizes in our downstairs storage room.

These are the small bricks that comprise the building of our "wholesome discipline" in this season of life.

(photo: www.flickr.com)

Beloved Dust

And You As Well Must Die, Beloved Dust

And you as well must die, beloved dust,
And all your beauty stand you in no stead;
This flawless, vital hand, this perfect head,
This body of flame and steel, before the gust
Of Death, or under his autumnal frost,
Shall be as any leaf, be no less dead
Than the first leaf that fell,—this wonder fled.
Altered, estranged, disintegrated, lost.
Nor shall my love avail you in your hour.
In spite of all my love, you will arise
Upon that day and wander down the air
Obscurely as the unattended flower,
It mattering not how beautiful you were,
Or how beloved above all else that dies.

Edna St. Vincent Millay-- Second April 1921

On January 16th, my Grandmother passed away quietly in the early hours of morning. My uncle had spoken with her just before 5 and when he returned at 7, she was gone. Her body was still warm.

The morning she passed away, my young son awoke at 5 to nurse. He normally sleeps until just past 7, but that morning, he awoke early. I was mostly awake, drifting between sleep and wakefulness between the hours of 5 and 7 and my grandmother was heavy on my mind. I knew she was very ill, as I had heard her diagnosis of lung cancer was terminal. But I thought we had more time, that she would fight it the same way she fought everything in her life. The reality of an inoperable tumour and a possible spot on her kidney became a battle she could not fight.

She lived 86 full years of life. She was a southern "belle" with a southern drawl. She cooked a feast every meal, drank fine wine, sweet tea, black coffee and eggnog with rum and bourbon. She loved opera, cross word puzzles, jeopordy, Christmas, and read two books a week, even up to the time of her death. She truly was the matriach of the family and filled a room, even a building at times with her voice and her presence. Her opinionated stance on politics and history was fear-inducing and I always felt I needed to have my notes ready anytime I decided to debate her. In my uncle's words "we were all terrified of her", especially of her intelligence.

I flew to Arizona the morning of the 18th to be with my family and to help with funeral preparations. It was a heavy and sorrow-filled few days with deep layers of grief. Crisis magnifies what is already present in a family. In certain arenas, deep love and bondedness grew and expanded with the loss. And in others, cold isolation and disconnectedness became more evident than before. While new levels of relationship formed, new hurts were inflicted, further complicating the complexity of our human relations, of our family dynamics between drastically different individuals.

I carry within me vivid experiences from those few short days. Losing a Grandparent is not only the end of a person's life, but the end of a generation. And I felt a poignant sadness that I still struggle to put my finger on. I still hunger to hear her voice share stories from her experiences but I have to put that desire to rest and be content with anecdotal snippets from others.

Edna St. Vincent Millay was my Grandmother's favorite poet. So, it felt appropriate to read this poem as part of the funeral ceremony. I was amazed to make it through without faltering. I have never been one who is able to continue speaking once I begin to cry. I was thankful for the chance to be there and to carry these words in my heart.

Proceed with Confidence

This morning, as I ruffled myself awake and slinked from our toasty-warm, down comforter-covered bed, I smelled snow. I opened the front door with a quick inhale as a blast of frigid air stung my chapped lips and sleepy eyes. I was wearing my favorite winter pajamas (NOT my husband's favorite): a full length pair of grey, long underwear, complete with a trap door out back. But even fully covered, my whole body felt the chill in an instant.

After a long drink of water, I shivered into my favorite workout clothes and braved the fresh powder. The drive in was fine; no slipping, sliding or swerving. But as I turned my nose toward home I felt a slight flutter of nervousness as I gazed up the steep hills I would need to conquer. Our town is very hilly and we live on the northeast hill at the base of an even higher hill.

I decided to just go for it. I gunned it toward the bottom so that I could gain enough speed to keep my momentum and hopefully make it to the crest of the hill. I made it. As another incline loomed up before me, I gunned it again and kept my hands steady on the wheel.

It was an exhilirating experience, and reminded me of many things in my life where I have to choose to proceed with confidence and swift precision, despite my fear.

I remember a while back, my sister-in-law and I were making candles together. We had melted a large chunk of wax in a medium saucepan and once it was liquid, we had to pour it into another smaller glass container. My sister-in-law said something like: "pour quickly and with confidence" and it worked. If I slowed down and grew afraid that I would spill, it drizzled down the side and all over my stovetop, an annoying thing when it's wax. But if I tipped it with one determined movement, it filled the glass without a single lost drop.

An English professor from University used to say: "Carry on, bravely." And again, this is a reminder to keep going, one foot in front of the other, with confidence. I am thankful today for this reminder to MOVE and act, despite and TO SPITE, natural fear.

(photo: courtesy of Flickr)

An artist to admire

Yesterday as I perused my hotmail inbox, I came across an update from Quinlan Road, the community and website of Loreena Mckennitt. My children were asleep and most of my quiet, during-naptime household duties were complete, so I settled in with a steaming mug of "women's liberty" herbal tea and caught up on an old friend. Now, it's only in my dreams that I know Loreena as a friend, but somehow the way she writes and the music she records draws me into a sacred space around her where I feel like I am on a leisurely walk with her, along the celtic countryside.

I was introduced to her music during my first year of highschool. My good friend Jason lived on his own in an old fixer-upper in the downtown district of Tucson. His parents owned the house but agreed to let him live rent free in exchange for his help with renovations and his willingness to take on at least two roommates.

One of his roommates was a girl into goth-style everything who listened to Nine Inch Nails REALLY loudly, chose to paint her room black and covered her windows in tin foil to eradicate the chance of natural light gleaming its way in.

His other roommate was a stocky, gangster-looking African American guy named Lindsey. The name didn't fit his appearance and neither did his taste in music. I expected heavy hip-hop and rap beats to pound from behind his door. But one day while I was waiting for Jason to get home, Lindsey and I hung out and I discovered that the top shelf of his CD collection was filled with Loreena Mckennit albums. She was his favorite artist. He suddenly came alive as he noticed my interest and he began to play me his favorite songs. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of her music and began a small collection of my own.

I admire Loreena Mckennit for many reasons. She is a deeply compassionate and open individual with an insatiable interest and curiosity in cultural roots and traditions. She has traveled widely and has loyal friends around the globe. Each album has been for her both a physical and spiritual journey into a vast array of cultures, textures of food, and nuances of sound. She reads a great deal for each album and processes her experience through the hovering luxuriousness of her harp-playing and the brave passion of her voice. Recording is a global journey as she revisits each country in her mind and generously draws the listener to travel alongside her.

Loreena grew up in rural Manitoba and is most "comfortable on a farm, or in an informal gathering of friends." She is involved environmentally and politically and makes a point to stay connected to her community. In her personal write-up, she writes, "Each spring, I carve out time to plant my garden in order to keep some remnants of an intimate relationship with food, the land and the seasons and every autumn, I set aside time to celebrate the harvest at Thanksgiving." Integration and groundedness is important to her.

She has a list of "compass points" that she revisits often during times of decision or redirection. And over the years, I myself have revisited these principles and have felt encouraged to live more honestly and abundantly alongside them.

**Be compassionate and never forget how to love.
**Think inclusively.
**Reclaim noble values such as truth, honesty, honour, courage.
**Respect one's elders and look to what they have to teach you.
**Be empathetic.
**Look after the less fortunate in society.
**Promote and protect diversity.
**Respect the gifts of the natural world.
**Set your goals high and take pride in what you do.
**Cherish and look after your body, and, as the ancient
**Greeks believed, your mind will serve you better.
**Put back into the community as there have been those before you have done the same and you are reaping what they sowed.
**Participate in and protect democracy, it does not thrive as a spectator sport.
**Undertake due diligence in everything.
**Seek balance and space, and solitude.
**Don't be afraid to feel passionate about something.
**Learn to be an advocate and an ambassador for good.
**Be mindful of your limitations.
**Indulge and nurture your curiosity as it will keep you vital.
**Take charge of your life and don't fall into the pit of entitlement.
**Assume nothing and take nothing for granted.
**Things are not necessarily what they seem.

Her most recent album "An Ancient Muse" took her "in search of the Celts’ easternmost paths, from the plains of Mongolia to the kingdom of King Midas and the Byzantine Empire." It is another intricately woven musical masterpiece that draws me into unique stories of human experience. I look forward to incorporating these new rhythms into my understanding of the world in which we live. If you have never experienced her music, I recommend starting with "The Book of Secrets." You won't be dissapointed.