Two Poems

I have been impacted recently by these two poems and would like to share. I find them beautiful, beautiful. Enjoy with me...

A New Way of Struggling

To struggle used to be
To grab with both hands
and shake
and twist
and turn
and push
and shove and not give in

But wrest an answer from it all
As Jacob did a blessing.

But there is another way
To struggle with an issue, a question.

Simply to jump
off
into the abyss
and find ourselves
floating
falling
tumbling
being led
slowly and gently
but surely

to the answers God has for us
to watch the answers unfold
before our eyes and still
to be a part of the unfolding.

But, oh! the trust necessary for this new way!
Not to be always reaching out for the old hand-holds.

(Susan W N Duack)

The Prayer of One Ready for Birth

God who creates something
out of nothing
Compassionate Shaper of Clay
Tiller of the Soil
Midwife God
I am ready to be born

I'm giving up the darkness
of the womb
I'm waiting for the life
that you alone can give.

A little light
slipped through a crack last night
and covered up my fears

A promise leaned against my heart
last night
and told me it was mine.

And you were in that promise LORD
And you were in the light.

It's enough to give me hope again
I'm giving up the night.

(Macrina Wiederkehr)

The Holy Longing

I was introduced recently to an exquisitely nourishing soul-book. My moments with tea, in my red chair in the corner, have been rich this week, as I've weaved my way through The Holy Longing, by Ronald Rolheiser.

Rolheiser writes for those in search of a Christian Spirituality. For those of us who have been confused by certain expressions of organized Christianity, especially the aspects that seem contrary to the God we have experienced, or the God we imagine is holding us in the palm of his hands, and is able to hold all that is "us", all that is created and human.

In the dedication, Rolheiser writes:

"For Henri Nouwen, 1932-1996, our generation's Kierkegaard. By sharing his own struggles, he mentored us all, helping us to pray while not knowing how to pray, to rest while feeling restless, to be at peace while tempted, to feel safe while still anxious, to be surrounded by a cloud of light while still in darkness, and to love while still in doubt."

To me, this communicates the grace of God, that my trust can propel me even while I am confused, that my creator does not expect me to understand all. It is okay to feel small and to approach with handfulls of questions. It is okay to keep walking toward the light, to take one step closer, to procede as far as the light shines in that moment.

In the reading of this book, I have felt my inner thoughts understood and expressed. I have felt relieved at points, that my questions are not "bad" or "dark", but part of my yearning for truth, for authenticity.

I especially appreciate the section on the "nonnegotiable essentials" as I navigate my way through the many expressions of Christianity I have experienced thus far. I am trying to find a clear way through, past the confusing inconsistencies and disagreements.

From Thursday-Sunday, I will be away for an Advent Retreat at a beautiful property nearby. I will take two books along, including The Holy Longing. And will settle into the largeness of a God I believe can hold me, and will lovingly accept my questions.

I highly recommend this book as a companion as we enter the Advent season, in preparation for the mystery and wonder of the Nativity.

The Great Fish Oil Mishap

I'm not sure why I included this picture. I suppose because it shows the ocean, where varieties of fish come from. And this is a post about fish oil: COD LIVER OIL, to be precise.

You see, a couple of weeks back, one of us (I won't say who) was attempting to take the goat's milk carton from the fridge door. We have two shelves on our fridge door and they are removeable and interchangeable. As the carton was lifted, it nicked the edge of the shelf above and sent all the contents crashing against our STONE, kitchen floor.

One item that shattered with gusto, was a 1/2 liter, glass bottle of $60.00, lemon flavoured Norwegian COD LIVER OIL. And the bottle was nearly full.

I had recently purchased it through our Naturopath and it was to keep us in tip-top nutritional shape during the coming winter.

The house filled with an overpowering lemon scent and I was initially relieved. Lemon isn't too bad, in fact most cleaning products use lemon to cut odors like fish.

But, the world continued to turn. And the next morning, we awoke to the most putrid, rotting fish smell. Walking into the kitchen was like sticking your head in a pail of old fish guts. I mean, seriously! It was overwhelming at best! It filled the house.

You see, I made a mistake. I attempted to wash the towel that was used to sop up the mess. I simply couldn't part with it and decided to try a washing machine rescue. I even washed it on hot, which amplified the smell. BAD idea. REALLY bad idea!

Our washing machine smelled horrible. So, after three washes of empty, large load sized, hot water with vinegar cycles, it started to smell a little better. And I attempted a wash of clothes.

Again, bad idea!

Everything came out smelling like good old rotting COD. Merciful Days!

Since then, I have washed with vinegar and borax and each load gets a tad bit better.

But, the moral of this story is:
**Store fish oil in a safe, out-of-the-way place in the fridge.
**Don't sop up the mess with anything you might want to keep.
**Vinegar is the answer to most smelly cleaning issues.
**Burn lots of incense to cut the smell and purify the air.

And all-in-all, remember that when insane things happen like THIS, it's always good to laugh, smile and think of it as a good story.

Keeping Dreams Alive

My husband and I just returned from our weekly date night. We have decided to have a non-negotiable night out together during which to reconnect as a couple. We have also decided to alternate who plans the experience. Tonight was my night to plan.

First off, we went to the local library and purused the books and magazines for sale. Every so often, the library staff clears out old stock and sells it all for dirt cheap. We both love to thumb through magazines , tearing out pictures as we go, and collecting them into collages. I especially love this. But we've decided to make some collages together, to "dream board" our ideas and dreams for interests and aspirations for our life together. We snagged about 20 great magazines (Living, Architectural Digest, GardenWise) for less than $1.50! Nice!

We then attended a slide presentation (free and at the library) by two remarkable individuals: Anne Brevig and Martin Vennesland. Anne Brevig is the author of a book that chronicles their adventures together called 9 Years on the 7 Seas. She told astounding stories of their years at sea: easing through pirate invested waters, docking in Morroco so Martin could receive emergency back surgery, getting caught in a 2km long fishing net near Iran. I loved listening to her thick Norwegian accent and uniquely honest and straight forward style of storytelling.

At the completion of the talk, the woman who introduced Anne and Martin drew two names of individuals who would each win a copy of Anne's book. My husband's name was drawn, so we now have a gorgeous and inspiring coffee table book about sailing. What a surprise blessing!

In this season of starting a business at home, finances are especially tight. And we have found it difficult to dream. So much of our energy is put toward making ends meet, and trying to have perspective and contentment in the midst of the strain. So tonight felt like a gift. It was inspiring to step aside for a time, and to allow ourselves to dream. And to know that God loves our hearts, and loves the dreams that stir passion for life inside of us. He longs to give us vibrance and blessing and is with us in the journey. These glimpses help us slog through on our way to more financial peace in our life.

Homeschool Room

I took a few more current pictures of our homeschool room and decided to share.I would still like to get my working area more organized and decluttered. But for now (and with our budget) it is working GREAT and I am thrilled to have a little "work" corner of my own. This is (again) the reading tree with a cozy corner chair.
My side of the room: office desk, white board and filing cabinet. My computer and phone will eventually move down here.
A few maps and chalkboard/whiteboard for the kids.
This is my little Soul-baby area. Alley dives it to play as well. But this is especially crucial for entertaining him while engaging in more concentration-heavy activities with Alley.

A Beginning

I have started creating a homeschool room. This is the book reading tree. It looks a little different now, with a big chair in the corner instead of the bookcase. But, it gives some idea. Our library is slowly growing. And we are working into the rhythm of daily reading times together in the big chair.

We decided to put Alley into preschool one afternoon a week for a 3 hour block. It is at a local church, a few blocks away. We wrestled with the decision at first, wondering if it would interfere with our goal to homeschool. Would she get too used to a school environment? Would she then be ancy at home?

Gladly, our fears have been relieved by the positive experience we are having. Ms. Joanne is a wonderful, loving woman. She has taught for years and has created an inspiring, creative atmosphere for the kids to learn in. I learn much from her discipline and teaching style. She is a really good fit for Alley's personality and brings out different sides of her. I feel like I am able to observe Alley in a different light one day a week, to learn what she gravitates toward in a group setting, how she responds to different types of leadership/teaching. And since it is only one day, the bulk of her learning still happens at home.

Sometimes, as I weed through all the info coming my way, I feel confused when it comes to how to *start* homeschooling. I'm sure I will revisit this many times as we grasp our personal philosophy more clearly in the coming months before diving into Kindergarten.

But in the meantime, I am reading Charlotte Mason and Susan Wise Bauer. I am weaving my way through the wonderful homeschooling blogs. And in our home, we are reading together lots and lots, and talking about the whys of this and that. We are getting into the rhythm of all-day-every-day learning. Alley reminds me to carve out plenty of time for creative/artistic play. And I quite like it.

First Blogiversary!

It's hard to believe a year has passed as mamamonk. What a surprise source of joy it has been to reveal and find myself in this space. I want to thank you, my friends and gracious fellow-journeyers, for visiting from time to time, for taking the moments to step in for a glimpse and listen.

I look forward to what this next year holds.

Exploring the Capital and Re-Centering

I returned this week, from a visit to Canada's capital city Ottawa. Some dear friends of ours have moved from British Columbia to Ontario within the last two years and have settled in the Ottawa area, where they are involved in Parliament. We really miss having them nearby! In the meantime, they have welcomed a beautiful baby girl into their family who I desperately wanted to meet.

My husband was generous to let me travel to Ottawa for a visit. I took Soul-Baby with me and Alley stayed back to hold down the fort with dad. Bry was able to work his at-home schedule around Alley's afternoon nap and early bedtime.They invented yummy snacks like "honey nuts" (mixed nuts drizzled with honey), played Candyland, went iceskating, and had a relatively peaceful few days. Alley was not excited about being "left behind" from the chance to ride on a plane. Because of this, we talked every night, gave kisses over the phone and she asked me to share details about each day.

At night when she crawled into bed, she wrapped herself in our big, cozy, orange blanket and pretended it was a mama-hug.

For me, the trip was rejuvenating and memorable. It was so good to have time with dear friends, to see their new corner of the world, to meet their daughter. We were able to do a few side trips to see other mutual friends and new babies and to enter, for a time, into different ways of living and seasons in eachother's lives. It was wonderful.

When I returned home, I felt refreshed and excited to jump into daily life. Cooking and doing dishes with Anne felt like a treat, especially because it was in her home, and felt communal and full of teamwork. Laundry was a fun adventure in their co-op housing unit. We walked in the sun along downtown city streets to buy food from the local grocery store. It felt effortless to cart our babies around from one task to the other, because we were TOGETHER and in the same season of life. The sense of community and friendship I felt, carried with me into my home as I eased back into cooking and doing laundry and picking up the many little things that end up on the floor throughout the day.

I walzed around inspired and joyful...for a few days.

And then wham! I felt discouraged and lonely, like a solitary pioneer slogging out the routine of home life and motherhood.

This dip in my perspective has intrigued me to stop, re-center and focus my heart . Yes, I do think our society is too individualistic at times. Yes, I would like to have someone next door in the exact same season of life who I can form a cooking/laundry co-op with. Yes, chopping vegetables and folding underwear is so much funner while having a good conversation with a friend. But, the reality is that it is MY home and MY stuff that needs to be done each day. I can't run from it.

And we all have our stuff. There are easier ways to do things, and I am learning slowly what they are. But at the end of the day, I have control over how I respond to daily work at home. And I have to take responsibility for how I choose to manage my home and how I consistently (or not) apply what I am learning.

I know I am not alone in this, and I know there are many home managers out there who have found easier ways to get it all done and are generous with sharing what has worked.

When I have a dip, I suddenly think we need to change our life NOW! I can be impatient and hasty in my ideas. My highly rational husband helps me pause and reflect on what I need. He sees emotions and reactions as personal feedback about my personality and needs rather than an immediate call for drastic action. I am more short term in my thinking. He sees the horizon and knows where we need and want to be. And I am grateful for this. He grounds my wild desire to just sell it all and move onto a boat.

But when I have a dip, it also communicates to me that I DO need to make a change and DO need to get refocused on my priorities and dreams for how we want to live.

So, this week, after experiencing a lonely "I need a house keeper and personal chef!" episode, I have slowed down and tried to take some time to plan out the month. I have explored things like once-a-month cooking and once-a-month shopping, but have not yet buckled down to do it. Some friends are starting up a cooking guild they call Heart and Soul: "cooking together is more fun than cooking alone!" I might join them for the next one, if I'm still in need of a communal kick-start.

But in the meantime, I am exploring ways in our current life situation, neighborhood and season of life to be more intentionally connected and to streamline some of the more mundane tasks of home management. I know I am not alone in this and have done my fair share of complaining and co-miserating. I can talk about my woes all day long if I want to (and drive us all crazy). But I also know there are many home managers out there who have found easier ways to get it all done and are generous with sharing what has worked. And my husband is a great teammate when I am able to ask for the help I need. So here starts a renewed exploration into the ART of home making. You might say I'm developing a new "craft".

I have come across many blogs on the topic, and websites galore. Here is a short list of some I have found helpful in the past and desperate present:

Fly Lady

Organized Home

Polestar Family Calendar

Home Advantage Plus

Once-A-Month Cooking World

Real Food for Real People

What has helped YOU? I welcome any suggestions for further resources along this journey. I will add to the list as I find others that are helpful.

Unexpected Joy

It is morning, my feet slide onto cold wooden and stone floors. I move groggly toward the kid's room, where I can hear them giggling and playing together in Soul-Baby's crib. We move toward the living room, the orange fleece blanket drawn around us. We three cuddle in the corner burgundy chair and wait for the warmth to ease into our bones, to still us against the chill.

I put on Ben Harper and fill the tea kettle. Soul-baby pads around the living room rug with his sister's bright pink (lined with feathery, fluffy stuff) princess slippers with a triumphant smile on his face. His bulbous, round belly is pushed out like a pregnant monkey, his shoulders held back making him strut like he's a cool cat gangster. I swoop him up as he thuds by and hug him until he lets go.

The rain pelts our windows from all sides. A wry smiles curves on my lips as I realize the adventurous day before us.

See, my husband is in Vancouver for two days, with the Toyota, volunteering for the Writer's Festival. And on Thursday afternoons, Alley enjoys 3 hours of Preschool at a nearby church. It is especially nearby on a sunny day or when I drive her. But today, 30 minutes in the pouring rain, pushing a stroller, calls for a hearty breakfast and a strong cup of coffee.

I load them up, bundled and wrapped in fleece blankets. I scrounge around for the rain cover and draw it tight over our double jogger. They seem cozy and dry, and Alley is so excited to prance her toy horse for show-in-tell, that I can barely buckle her in.

The air hits us first. It is crisp and tinged with a smokey fireplace smell. Rain runs down my cheeks in refreshing steadiness. I am immediately transported and awakened by the sensual symphony of Autumn. I am suddenly excited. With each step I am reacquainted with an old friend, my favorite season. Every tree is a wooden palette exploding with fiery reds, burnt oranges and vibrant yellows. We crunch through piles of leaves. I hold up a changed Maple leaf for the kids to see. It is nearly a foot wide and high and the deepest shade of yellow. Beautiful.

I gather leaves on the way, take in the sight and smell of puffing chimneys. And settle into this changing season, glad for it's arrival.

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No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.-- John Donne

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower. --Albert Camus

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking successive autumns. --George Eliot

Oh, good gigantic smile of the old earth this autumn morning! --Robert Browning

There is a harmonyIn autumn, and a lustre in its sky,Which through the summer is not heard or seen,As if it could not be, as if it had not been!-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

If winter is slumber and spring is birth, and summer is life, then autumn rounds out to be reflection. It's a time of year when the leaves are down and the harvest is in and the perennials are gone. Mother Earth just closed up the drapes on another year and it's time to reflect on what's come before.-- Mitchell Burgess

Why Not?

I am in the process of learning a very important lesson about parenting. It has taken me some time to get into the rhythm of having a daily schedule, something that provides structure (and ultimately freedom) to my days at home with my family. In many ways, I have become an order loving, aspiring woman and am slowly decluttering many layers and levels of my life.

The flipside of this newfound order, is that in trying to keep it up, I can sometimes forget what it's all for.

So that's where my four-year-old comes in.

This morning, in the fresh-breaking dawn light, I awoke to a high-pitched squeal and excited exclamation, "Today is a party day! Wake-up, Mama! I need streamers and tape and all kinds of decorations!"

I groggily opened my eyes and asked "What?!"

"Mama, it's a party day! Let's celebrate!" And this morning, for some reason, a voice in my head asked "Why not?"

So, we pulled out the streamers, and decided it was the day's birthday. Because after all, a new day is born each morning, right? So we hung them up with electrical tape (that's all I could find) at various angles and heights around the house. For a birthday cake, we piled our pancakes high and lit a firecracker candle with glee.

The whole day was party-themed. We played games, sang Happy Birthday, had a family dance party to Irish jigs (The Chieftains) and generally maintained a celebratory spirit.

And you know what? I don't think any of us will every forget it. At a few points during the day, I thought to myself, "We should do this kind of thing more often. After all, this is what I imagined parenthood to be. And it can be this way when I say 'why not?' more often and 'not today' less.

At the end of the day, while peeling streamers from every nook, I felt thankful again, for the way my children teach me to greet life with open arms, to leave no rock unturned.